“Did you find everything you were looking for, Hon?”
How many times have you heard words like these when checking out at the grocery store, or drug store, or variety store, and answered without thinking, “Yes, I did”? For most people, having a total stranger refer to you as “Hon,” or “Dear,” or “Love” or some other casual term of endearment goes in one ear and out the other. It’s just the way some people have learned to address other people when they don’t know their name. No big deal.
Unless it is.
As an active clergy person in the Episcopal Church, I am required to take training in what is generically referred to as “Safe Church.” It is where we learn to respect the boundaries of other individuals, physical, emotional and spiritual.
I’ve learned that it is no longer okay to assume that hugging a person who is in emotional turmoil to comfort them is acceptable. Nor is it okay to toss off terms of endearment to people without even the most casual thought. I am not your “Hon,” and in some cases, use of such a term might be quite offensive to some individuals. Some people are not comfortable with being touched by another person; to assume that it is okay even to shake hands can produce a traumatic experience for them. And often if you put any of this in a workplace environment, it can begin to approach harassment, if the words or actions are unwanted by the individual to whom they are directed.
Wow.
This can make for a difficult cultural and behavioral challenges. I once collaborated with a young woman on field work in hydrological studies, and often we had to hike over rugged terrain. One time, I was leading the way and there was a particularly difficult climb over some rocks. After I got over the rocks, I reached out my hand to assist her, as I had grown up with the paradigm of a man always assisting a woman. She refused my hand and came over the rocks by herself just fine. And I thought to myself, “Ah, okay, I guess my old paradigm doesn’t apply here.”
We had a good working relationship all through our time together, but I respected that in most cases she did not want or need my assistance in the field. In fact, as I look back on that time, I cannot remember a single instance when there was any form of physical contact, even a hand shake or pat on the back. She made it clear she did not want that, and I respected her boundaries.
We often take for granted that the behaviors we learned growing up are still acceptable today: casual terms of endearment, hugs, pats on the back, a strong hand shake, traditional gender references. But often, they’re not.
How do we make the shift? Some of it is about the language we choose to use. “How are you today?” “Did you find everything you needed?” Or, “You look like you could use a hug. Is that OK?”
But when you have years invested in navigating human relationships in certain ways, the change isn’t always easy. I don’t know how to act half the time anymore, and when I do act, I have to think really hard so I do not do something inappropriate. It’s a pain.
But then I start to think about ways in which I acted or spoke in the past that might have been painful to others and I did not even realize it at the time. And I feel very sorry for those instances. Just because one’s normal way of approaching other people is okay 95% or even 99% of the time, does not mean it can be assumed to just be “okay.” It’s hard to break old habits, but I think we need to make an effort to learn to be more understanding.
I have a friend who almost always greeted people he knew with hug, no matter the circumstance. In the church setting in particular, I spoke to him about the need to respect boundaries, since he was a leader for several parish ministries and therefore in somewhat of a position of authority. His reply was, “Oh, I’m just a hugger. It’s in my nature. I don’t see a problem.” Yet there were other people who came to me privately and said, “I am just not comfortable with the way John hugs me, but I don’t know how to say no.” Just because people don’t say anything doesn’t mean they’re not uncomfortable.
So, do we now all become impersonal robots, showing no emotion and treating everyone with “appropriate distance and aloofness” so as not to risk offending? Where is the balance? The way I’ve been navigating this is to ask a lot more questions. “Is this OK?” Or, “Do you mind if….?” Or, “How would you feel if I …?”
It gets easier to ask these sorts of questions as we get to know people — and in fact, the questions can help strengthen our relationships, learning more about peoples’ feelings on interpersonal issues, and thereby avoid putting people in uncomfortable positions. And I keep a thought in the back of my head: “Maybe this person would be uncomfortable if I …”
Yes, I know it isn’t easy, it also is not impossible. Consider your words and actions as you move through life, with the awareness that the person you are interacting with may not like your familiar words or touch. How might you act to not make that other person uncomfortable? What cues do you need to look for as to how they are feeling about things you say or do that might be offensive?
We all deserved to be respected as individuals, and not have it be assumed that any particular words or actions are just “okay.”
Roger Reynolds is an ordained Episcopalian deacon. He lives in Jefferson City.
