Editor’s note: This is the third of a three-part series on intentional communication, a way of communicating that deliberately fosters social and emotional skill development. The content was assembled by Barb Reiter, prevention specialist for Jefferson County, and sourced by Parenting Montana.
Using “I” Messages
The purpose of communication is to deliver a message in a way that it can be received. It is more important to deliver less information in a way that your child can understand, than to deliver all the information you wanted all at the same time. Using “I” statements allows your child to receive the information without raising defenses.
“I” messages are about conveying the impact of someone’s actions without blame. Notice the difference between “You are being so rude slamming the door like that” and “I feel upset when you slam the door.”
Put simply, the “I” portion is the impact on you, the “you” portion is the behavior you noticed. “I” statements leave out any interpretation of the behavior (e.g., “You did it because you don’t care”). “I” statements avoid making any guesses about the intention behind the behavior (e.g., “You did it to get your way”).
“I” messages model for your child a way of communicating that is respectful in different settings (i.e., conflict with peers, teachers, other adults, etc.). “I” messages also allow you to express your opinions without eliciting negative reactions. “I” messages work well during conflict and build the relationship by not assigning blame. “I” messages also build social and emotional skills like: communication, negotiating conflict constructively, respect for others, self-discipline, and regulating emotions.
How to do an “I” Message
“I” messages usually contain three parts: my feeling/your behavior/the impact. For example, “I feel terribly worried (my feeling)/when you come home later than we agreed (your behavior)/I can’t stop thinking the worst (the impact).” Including these three parts in the message is very different from a message like: “You are so disrespectful because you came home late.”
When communicating with older children, you can add additional details about how you interpret the behavior (the story you tell about the behavior). For example, “I feel angry when you slam the door, and the story I tell is that you don’t care. Help me correct my story.” This is very different from “You are so inconsiderate” or “You just don’t care.”
Rather than saying, “If you do that one more time, you will go straight to your room,” try saying, “When I see you do that, I feel sad because it hurts my feelings, and it makes it hard for me to keep playing with you.”
Tip: Value yourself and your ideas. Be authentic. Respond calmly and consistently. Make sure the environment is conducive to conversation. Make sure your expectations are appropriate for your child’s age and stage of development. Use language that is age appropriate, straightforward, and simple.
Trap: Avoid starting with “I” to couch a “you” statement, for example, “I feel that you are being rude” instead of “I feel hurt when you raise your voice at me.”
Apologize
Taking responsibility or admitting when you are wrong is excellent modeling and demonstrates vulnerability and a willingness to grow. Being able to apologize sends the message that making mistakes is part of learning and getting better. It not only creates an environment where it is ok to “fail,” it establishes behavioral norms that we take responsibility for our actions.
Apologizing models for your child that it is okay to admit mistakes and helps to develop their social and emotional skills such as: perspective taking, emotion regulation, and responsibility. Parents also benefit from apologizing because it strengthens the relationship you have with your child and provides you with an opportunity for reflection.
Tips on how to apologize include:
- Be genuine – apologize for what you truly mean.
- Start with “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” and be specific about what you are apologizing for. Do not use “if”; use “that” instead. For example, rather than, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” say “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.”
- Don’t make excuses or apologize in a way that blames the other person (e.g., This is not an apology: “I’m sorry for yelling, but when you behave so badly, I have to yell.”).
- Keep it short and stop talking to let the other person respond.
Tip: Be honest with yourself about what you are willing to apologize for. For example, if your child says, “You are being so mean,” you don’t need to apologize for their interpretation. Instead, you can apologize for the impact – “I can see you are hurt right now, and I am sorry. That was not my intention at all.”
Trap: Avoid not paying attention to your own emotional regulation. You are always modeling. Kids develop the skills to deal with situations and regulate their own behaviors and emotions through what they see. When dealing with difficult situations, disappointment, and conflict, you are continually modeling to your child.
Conclusion
Intentional communication is a style of communicating where both parties get their needs met. It means communicating in a way that increases the likelihood that both parties truly hear each other. It has wide application and can be used in every interaction. When parents deliberately use intentional communication, they build their child’s social and emotional skills. Engaging in intentional communication builds your skills as a parent and strengthens your relationship with your child.
