Editor’s note: This is the second of a three-part series on intentional communication, a way of communicating that deliberately fosters social and emotional skill development. The content was assembled by Barb Reiter, prevention specialist for Jefferson County, and sourced by Parenting Montana (parentingmontana.org).
Intentional communication includes creating the conditions for it; listening actively to understand what is being said and the feelings being communicated; using “I” messages; and apologizing when needed.
Set the stage for intentional communication
An optimal setting is one where both parties can truly hear and learn from each other. Unfortunately, when you feel upset or react, the part of your brain that can listen or learn is not engaged.
To get beyond a place where you are reactive and instead to where your brain can listen and learn, self-regulation skills are needed. To help your child get to this place, you can use empathy and connection.
If conditions for intentional communication are not created, it is easy to end up with conversations that do not facilitate change in behavior and potentially wear down the relationship. Creating the right conditions fosters positive interactions and models empathy and respect.
Tips to enable intentional communication include:
- Describe the conversation’s purpose. “I’d like to hear more about how things went on the playground today”; “I’d like to talk about your plans this weekend with you”; “I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about when you are starting your homework each night.”
- Make sure there is enough time available. Find a mutually agreeable time, don’t start a serious conversation when you or your child are upset, and make sure the time you have set aside is a priority with no phone, television or other distractions. “What would be the best time for us to talk?”; “Do you have a few minutes to talk after dinner?”
- Be mindful of your state of mind and your child’s state of mind. Your own emotions and current state will influence the way you listen and talk. Your child’s frame of mind also matters. Talking after a bad game or after flunking a test is not a time to talk about practicing or studying more. Recognizing your child’s mood and deciding on an appropriate time is important (e.g., it is difficult to have a serious conversation when they are in a silly mood). “Let’s take a break from this topic and talk more later tonight.”
- Start by connecting. Focus on the relationship before the content. You could use an empathic statement like: “You seem really upset about this.” Or ask an open question like: “Tell me how you are feeling about this.”
Learn to listen actively
Active listening is seeking to truly understand someone. It is a two-part style of listening. First, convey you are listening through body language (e.g., nodding, eye contact). Second, convey understanding by stating back what you have heard or feelings that have been communicated.
If you do not quite understand or need more information, ask open questions. This takes practice to truly listen and understand without placing assumptions or judgment on what is being heard.
Listening actively is important for your child, because it shows your child you are genuinely interested in what they are saying; creates a respectful interaction that honors your child’s thoughts and feelings; allows your child to explore ideas and clarify ideas and feelings, which builds self-awareness; allows your child to practice self-soothing skills, which builds self-regulation; models for your child how to engage in active listening; and strengthens social and emotional skills such as empathy, identifying emotions, communication and reflecting.
Listening actively is also important for you as a parent. It helps you slow down and suspend assumptions while truly listening to what your child is saying, feeling and thinking; clearly understand the verbal and non-verbal message your child is communicating; clarify meaning, seek additional information, and to learn about your child; have a respectful interaction that builds and strengthens your parent-child relationship; and build your social and emotional skills such as: perspective taking, empathy, respect for others, listening well and patience.
Tips for engaging in active listening include:
- Pay attention without distraction. “Let me turn off the TV and silence my phone.”
- Be aware of your body language and notice your child’s body language.
- Use open-ended questions to invite your child to tell their story in their own words without leading them in a specific direction. “How does this make you feel?”; “Can you describe what happened at school before math today?”; “Can you help me think through how you can join the school club and have time to finish homework and chores?”; “How can we work together to solve the struggle we seem to be having about cell phone use?”
- Convey understanding by reflecting and re-phrasing what you have heard or feelings that have been communicated. “So, you feel angry?”; “It sounds like you are wanting more time so you don’t feel rushed?”; “You’re saying that…”; “Almost as if…”; “It’s like…”; “It feels like…”
While actively listening, remain calm even when you hear something you don’t like and to avoid interrupting, judging (“that’s a bad idea”) and giving advice (“I think you should…”, “why don’t you try…”).
