Editor’s note: The following is by Barb Reiter, prevention specialist for Jefferson County:
The COVID-19 crisis poses new stresses for Montana families with children. Schools have been shut down, leaving students without important structure and social support. Restaurants and other familiar community spaces are mostly closed. And Gov. Steve Bullock issued a “stay-at-home” order, another challenge.
In these uncertain times, there are steps parents can take to help kids deal with the strain and disruptions to their normal routines. As prevention specialist for Jefferson County, I would like to introduce an effective and valuable resource: The Monitor will feature columns on selected topics from “Parenting Montana,” a sampling of what is available at parentingmontana.org.
In the next few weeks, we’ll explore the practice of intentional communication.
The key to many parenting challenges is finding ways to communicate where both your needs and your child’s needs are met. Although this sounds simple, in the heat of the moment it is difficult to identify and differentiate your needs, your wants, and the positions you take.
Most parents can probably identify with a conversation that sounds something like this:
Child: “I want a ham sandwich!” [Stating a want; the need is, I’m hungry]
Parent: “This is not a restaurant! You’ll eat what’s for dinner, and it’s not dinner time yet.” [Taking a position]
The result of this conversation is that the child is upset and the parent is angry. This conversation ends in a way that takes away from the relationship rather than enhances it.
Intentional communication helps both you as a parent and your child get needs met in a way that supports and even enhances the relationship. The result is a child who learns how to understand and manage oneself; relate to others; and make responsible choices based on self and others (social and emotional skills), and a parent who enjoys, rather than dreads, having a tough conversation with their child.
Intentional communication does not happen by chance. Intentional communication is deliberate. As a parent, you can do it! With practice and patience, you will see results in your child and in yourself. Intentional communication skills are not easy, so a method called scaffolding is recommended. This means waiting to add a new skill until the previous skill is stable. Essentially, start slow, and as you get better, add more.
What is intentional communication?
Intentional communication is a way of communicating that deliberately fosters social and emotional skill development. Put simply, social and emotional skills include understanding and managing oneself, relating to others, and making responsible choices based on self and others.
Intentional communication creates a safe environment that allows you and your child to increase your awareness about what you are feeling and what you want and need.
Intentional communication creates space to listen to each other and understand what the other person is feeling as well as the other person’s wants and needs. It allows for developing a mutually beneficial solution where both your needs and your child’s needs are met.
Intentional communication is a two-way street that includes talking, listening and understanding the other’s point of view. It’s about “talking with,” not “talking to.” Lecturing and giving advice are one-way approaches to communication and do not align with intentional communication, which provides opportunities to grow cognitive engagement. Cognitive engagement is intentionally being an active participant in processing the information and reflecting on the content.
Why do intentional communication?
Intentional communication grows social and emotional skills. Social and emotional skills are associated with a variety of successful life outcomes for you and your child. Intentional communication is not just to inform, it develops your child’s skills and strengthens your relationship with your child. Intentional communication grows the brain by creating a safe space for learning. It encourages curiosity from your child, rather than defensiveness. Intentional communication teaches and models an effective communication approach that has broad application in many areas of your life and your child’s life. These skills are applicable in school, at work, with friends, in conflict, and in communicating with others.
Intentional communication fosters a sense of ownership in the communication because it is more relevant and meaningful.
